A Cliche Problem

I'm not a twig. I never will be a twig. I will be battling my weight for most of my life, so I have a lovely challenge ahead. But, I am trying to learn to not obsess. Instead, I get angry at the individuals who scrutinize me and other women for not being "ideal."

Last Fall, I was at the doctor to get medication for my anxiety. My regular doctor was not there, so I was seeing a woman I had never seen before. She weighed me and took the opportunity to tell me I was obese. She proceeded to give me a diabetes pamplet. After I started my medication, I went back to do a follow-up. She weighed me and I had lost 5 pounds. I told her that the medicine made me lose my appetite, but it was coming back. She said "Oh, well thats too bad," and handed me another diabetes pamplet. I wish I was exaggerating.

I don't know how much I weigh anymore. I refuse to get on a scale. After that incident, I became quite obsessed with my weight and weighed myself 3 to 4 times a day. All I know is that I weigh 10 pounds less than I did after seeing that doctor.

Now, I gauge myself by how my clothes fit and how healthy I am physically. I'm a size 12-13, but I can run a mile with no problem. I weigh much more than the average female, but I have to put my height, frame, and muscle mass into prospective.

What sparked this blog was after hearing a model was called obese. She was a size 4. I was offended and upset when someone told me that I was obese, but I couldn't imagine what she felt. Well, she developed an eating disorder from it.

People can say things that may create a sort of obsession in the female pysche, even when it is not directed towards her. Something that has made me develop an unhealthy fascination with losing weight have been when someone calls a woman smaller than me fat. An abstract example of this is of a woman that I found to be fine in size, though she gained a little weight, and someone suggested that she let herself go. I then wondered what people were saying about me and became quite paranoid.

After realizing that I was letting my image rule my life, I decided that I needed to let it go. I do things for me, not the people in my life. Instead of losing weight to look good, I exercise and eat healthy to have better stamina. I, again, avoid the scale. I realize that I have a man in my life that loves me for who I am, so why do I care about impressing others?

I think all women need to live by this, which is live for themselves. You can only be happy through you, not others. Nobody is ideal. Ideal doesn't exist. Everyone is beautiful in some way or another. Also, the fear of social rejection due to our image that many of us women experience is purely paranoia. There are people that overlook these things and see the beauty that we all need to see in ourselves.

Its time for women to stop looking at numbers and magazines and take what God gave them and flaunt it.

You are beautiful.