A Cliche Problem

I'm not a twig. I never will be a twig. I will be battling my weight for most of my life, so I have a lovely challenge ahead. But, I am trying to learn to not obsess. Instead, I get angry at the individuals who scrutinize me and other women for not being "ideal."

Last Fall, I was at the doctor to get medication for my anxiety. My regular doctor was not there, so I was seeing a woman I had never seen before. She weighed me and took the opportunity to tell me I was obese. She proceeded to give me a diabetes pamplet. After I started my medication, I went back to do a follow-up. She weighed me and I had lost 5 pounds. I told her that the medicine made me lose my appetite, but it was coming back. She said "Oh, well thats too bad," and handed me another diabetes pamplet. I wish I was exaggerating.

I don't know how much I weigh anymore. I refuse to get on a scale. After that incident, I became quite obsessed with my weight and weighed myself 3 to 4 times a day. All I know is that I weigh 10 pounds less than I did after seeing that doctor.

Now, I gauge myself by how my clothes fit and how healthy I am physically. I'm a size 12-13, but I can run a mile with no problem. I weigh much more than the average female, but I have to put my height, frame, and muscle mass into prospective.

What sparked this blog was after hearing a model was called obese. She was a size 4. I was offended and upset when someone told me that I was obese, but I couldn't imagine what she felt. Well, she developed an eating disorder from it.

People can say things that may create a sort of obsession in the female pysche, even when it is not directed towards her. Something that has made me develop an unhealthy fascination with losing weight have been when someone calls a woman smaller than me fat. An abstract example of this is of a woman that I found to be fine in size, though she gained a little weight, and someone suggested that she let herself go. I then wondered what people were saying about me and became quite paranoid.

After realizing that I was letting my image rule my life, I decided that I needed to let it go. I do things for me, not the people in my life. Instead of losing weight to look good, I exercise and eat healthy to have better stamina. I, again, avoid the scale. I realize that I have a man in my life that loves me for who I am, so why do I care about impressing others?

I think all women need to live by this, which is live for themselves. You can only be happy through you, not others. Nobody is ideal. Ideal doesn't exist. Everyone is beautiful in some way or another. Also, the fear of social rejection due to our image that many of us women experience is purely paranoia. There are people that overlook these things and see the beauty that we all need to see in ourselves.

Its time for women to stop looking at numbers and magazines and take what God gave them and flaunt it.

You are beautiful.

Why I Will Never Have Children

Growing up, I thought it would be horrifying to have children because of the physical pain. Later, after getting into a very serious relationship, having kids seemed to be one of the most rewarding things I could do and I started to enjoy the idea of raising them to my standards. Now, I couldn't do it. I feel like bringing children into this world would be the cruelest thing I could do. And I really hate saying it.

Let me just go through a week's worth of news with you to validate my point.

1.) A man in Winnipeg, Canada, 22 year old Tim Mclean, was sitting on a bus, listening to music, when the man beside him suddenly jumped up, stabbed and decapitated him, with no pretense. There was no signs that the man was going to commit any viscous acts.

2.) In my area alone, a teenage girl was shot in the back by her own brother (but survived) and a man was beaten to death with a crowbar and stabbed by his best friend after mowing the lawn in front of 30 people, while the wife kept people away with a baseball bat, stating "He is getting what he deserves." Lastly, one of Jim Webb's aids, in his mid-20's, was found dead on the side of the road laying on top of a gun, with a bullet wound to his head.

3.) A newlywed couple was attacked by gunshots on the last day of their honey moon, the wife being killed, in the Caribbean Island of Antigua. *see picture above*

This all happened in one week. I know things like this happen everyday, well, sorta. Most of these stories are quite horrifying and rarely happen. It seems to me that most of these attacks or deaths happened for no or some very meek reason. I struggle with the lack of human compassion and the increase in senseless violence.

Plus, it seems like a war will always be occurring, the environment is deteriorating, and it seems as if people have no safe haven anymore. I'm not trying to be negative or a doomsday theorist, I just know that I won't have kids until I see some kind of improvement.

And I wonder if that is possible. The world is a scary place. A large part of the population are on medication to get through the difficulties of life, me being included due to severe anxiety, or people dwelve into drugs or alcohol to escape reality.

I truly believe that most people are good at heart, but there are enough bad ones that are successfully crushing the human spirit. Thats why I think people need to stop being scared, including me, and fight back. I think the world is worth fighting for. Do it for us, do it for the ones who come after.