A Bittersweet Day

April 7th, 2008. We got our affairs straight, saw a movie, and laid on the couch, talking and soaking up as much of each other as we could. 5 am on April 8th I dropped him off at the airport. I didn't want to let him go. This was the most painful thing I have ever done. Walking away was like ripping my heart out. I couldn't stop crying. It felt like the world was crumbling. I was wondering if I would ever see him again. If this was it. I said my goodbyes, I got in my car, and we both started this 18 month monster.

Today, one year later, we are both still alive, both getting by, and more importantly still together. I'm quite shocked that it has been a year. I am quite exhausted from it all, but not as exhausted as he is.

I do feel stronger because of it. I think our relationship has actually strengthened too. We are beating the odds.

I luckily was able to see him during the summer during a short leave. By the time this thing is over with, it will be a little over a year that I haven't seen my boyfriend. The guy I have been with for almost 5 years has been out of my reach for that long. How do you survive something like that?

Faith. Faith in him, faith in myself, faith in each other, faith that everything will be okay.

Trust. Courage. Grace.

A few things I've gained over the year. The first two are quite obvious, but when I say grace, I mean remaining level-headed. Staying calm when I don't hear from him for days on end or staying focused on my life while part of it is in a war zone.

I'm not perfect. I've had my moments. I've cried, I've secluded myself at times, I vented, I even drank a little more than usual. But I always picked myself back up and though I slipped into some lows, I never stayed down there for too long.

I've grown up a little. I've taken this time to work on myself. I've grown a backbone. I leaned on Chris for so long to help me fight battles, it was time that I learned to do this myself. With that backbone, I've gained confidence, the ability to not sweat the small things, and I'm realizing my own strength. All clouds have a silver lining, and this self realization and improvement has been this deployment's shining opportunity.

I've developed and rekindled some relationships. Some people have really stepped up and helped me through this. It's cliche, you hear it from me all the time, but I really have been blessed with a good group of friends and of course family. I don't care how cliche it sounds, these people deserve credit for taking time from their lives to help me through a tough time. To listen to me when I was falling apart and to still love me after seeing darker sides of myself.

Today is a very important day to me. It's the day I can say this thing is almost over. Fall is coming soon and the day that I can see him again is going to be heaven practically. I get one of my best friends, my future husband, my hero back.

I focus on how hard this has been on me, but he is the one over there. He may say he is used to it, but you can never be used to being ripped from your home for 18 months to go to a place of heat and chaos. If anyone deserves credit, he does. Chris not only has been working hard in Iraq, he has been working hard to make sure I'm okay. He has comforted me from 6,000 miles away. He kept working on our relationship, not putting it on hold due to separation. He's a strong man. And I'm feeding off of that. There are two halves. He's the half who was sent over there. If he can do this, I can too. I am the half who at least has the comforts of home.

We still have a few months left in this. I do have to go another summer without him. But when this is all over, everything that has happened and everything we have went through will be well worth it.

I do think we will have a long road ahead of us when he does return. Readjusting to time zones, sleep itself, life as a civilian. I don't think we will have a hard time readjusting to each other. I think we will pick up where we left off with no problem.

If there was any advice to offer to someone who is or will be going through any kind of separation from a loved one, I would give you this: It's all in how you look at it. You need to have understanding for each other, patience, and independence.

You can't stand together if you can't stand on your own.